i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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