Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
