I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
