12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
