We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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