Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
