Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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