evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
