You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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