what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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