I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
