I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
