Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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