i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
