I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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