chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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