Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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