Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
