whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
