I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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