Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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