I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room