dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo