The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
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I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She's allergic to latex.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
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And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit