My sheets look like a crime scene.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
