awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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