There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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