haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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