Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
