I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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