May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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