I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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