Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
