She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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