I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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