I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
