I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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