just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
