dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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