I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
