I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
