sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
