How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
