just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
