i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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