you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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