Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
