Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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