Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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