every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
