It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I looked at my own cervix.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Randomize
