We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
