i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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