none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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