I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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