Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
