I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
